E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.