Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You Might Also Like
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.