Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.