Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
wut hotdog?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor