Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Genius idea!!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit