Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.