Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.


People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”


me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know


Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.


Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice


My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.