@mellimelle

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

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@SirEviscerate

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

@kelkulus

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@BennyBWong

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

@Browtweaten

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@LitBiden

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.