Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design