Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Wait for it
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.