@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

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@GingerHotDish

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

@Cpin42

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!