Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
this is the best day of my life
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
incredible book dedication
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”