Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home