earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”