Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’