Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You Might Also Like
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?