EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha