EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The human personality is made of five key elements
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…