Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*