[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
goldfish mafia
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.