EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.