Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
doing your own taxes
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
#oldknees
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave