Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Twitter remains undefeated
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.