If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.