@kiralc
@whatsJo If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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@whatsJo 
@truegritrumble WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
@capnwatsisname Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
@CulturedRuffian Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
@hipstermermaid “My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
@obviousplant_ Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
@s_cLaN07 My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
@Savage_Scavange Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
@SondraDeeMe [Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
@DearAuntAbby I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.