Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.


WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*


Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:


My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.


ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.


I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.