Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.