@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

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@LaLuchaNix

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

@dad_chips

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@milifeasdad

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

@AnneHatfieldVO

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@_Water_Baby

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@GlennyRodge

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

@KevinBuffalo

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.