Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face


[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.


“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.


When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.