Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I think about this a lot
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department