Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven