Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
This might be me.
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I created you as mosquito food.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop