Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.