Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
🤣
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.