Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?