Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in