@longwall26 Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
@Cheeseboy22 Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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@longwall26 
@semple42 The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
@BuckyIsotope *visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
@MunkMania I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
@ThoughtOtter *hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
@Tommytoughstuff ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
@DartsBofficial :S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
@AndyAsAdjective *bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
@byrdie_num_num As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
@Gupton68 “Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…