@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

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@longwall26

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

@ThoughtOtter

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

@byrdie_num_num

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…