Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Dolls on drugs
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My last name is Zilla.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Okay, I’m still confused…
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!