“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao