Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Chicken bread
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!