“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
How to draw a duck
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Well, this is awkward
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.