@mostunladylike Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
@KattsDogma “Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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@mostunladylike 
@RidiculousSheri “Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
@JohnLyonTweets Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
@zachary_lampley (Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
@noog Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
@BGH70 Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
@geowizzacist House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
@shaztaberry I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
@rebrafsim Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
@Jenny4ashley Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*