Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
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“My new boyfriend who?
“My future husband who?”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Me: on my forearm
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*