“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother