technically true but not a great slogan
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER