“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.