@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

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@KyleMcDowell86

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

@XplodingUnicorn

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@bartandsoul

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

@better_off_dad2

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.