“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”


My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.


Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.


Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.


Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”


I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.