EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What a website
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]