Eat…
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My work here is done
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.