Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.