Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.