Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
You Might Also Like
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear