[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*