Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.