[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”