[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.