[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe


mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]


MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.


*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*


SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”


I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.


Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?


I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.