Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
SF is the wild wild west man
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.