[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over