[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Happy birthday to all the women
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”