[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Festive toon…
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
No, I don’t think I will.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.