Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’ve had worse
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Happy Caturday!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga